One of the best ways to keep your connection strong is to stay engaged in each other’s lives.

We get caught up in our day to day and can easily miss the opportunity to maintain our connection with our partner. 

If you’ve totally missed the boat and have become disengaged in each other’s lives, don’t stress. The world hasn’t ended and there’s time to bring it back. 

The important thing to remember is that it’s okay to have different priorities and focus. Most likely you both have work and home responsibilities that keep your mind very busy. However, swimming in the mental chatter leftover from work, the comment from your mom, or deciding how to handle a situation with your child can leave very little room for connecting with your partner. 

Over time, those outside priorities can create a wedge that will become difficult to work through. 

What happens when you don’t stay engaged? 

The more you get wrapped up in your own little world, the less space you have to hold for your partner. Over time, you get so far behind that it’s nearly impossible to catch up. You become so far out of the loop that it’s exhausting for your partner to update you enough to truly catch you up. Plus, most of it is water under the bridge. Or as I like to say, “It’s sooo last season” with an eye roll and hair flip. 

A lot of what you miss is the drama of the day, but you also miss the funny little moments. You miss the, “You can’t make this shit up” moments. You also miss the growth. You’re each growing daily in one way or another and without keeping connected, you miss the subtle shifts. Before you know it, you wake up to someone you hardly know.

How do you re-engage? 

The first step is to want to. Not because you “should” but because you genuinely want to reconnect with your partner. Not because, “If I connect with him and learn about his day then I’ll get to tell him all about mine.” The intention is purely set with no other motivation than to reconnect through genuine curiosity.

The next step is to start slowly. Depending on your relationship you could let your partner know your intentions. Saying something like, “I recognize that my focus has been on work and kids for so long that I really miss our talks about life. Will you catch me up?”

If announcing your intentions isn’t the vibe of your relationship, be a little more subtle. A simple, “Hey babe, how was your day? Anything exciting happen?” Over time you can add a little more to the questions like, “I remember you telling me about xyz. That feels like a long time ago. What ended up happening in that situation?” 

It’s important to remember that your partner may be a little skeptical and wonder what you’re up to, so take it slowly and don’t force the flow.

Some of my clients have a partner who isn’t open to much conversation. If that sounds like yours, then you’re going to need to do a little homework – detective style.

Pay attention to what they’re spending their time doing.

Even their Facebook, TikTok, YouTube browsing can give you ideas to start conversations to reconnect. A simple question like, “What’s the latest adventure of Itchy Boots?” can show you’re paying attention and starting a conversation around something they enjoy. (Find Itchy Boots on YouTube if you’re curious.)

The important part of all of this is the desire to reconnect and the patience to do so. Don’t be alarmed if this starts off a little roughly with skepticism or if it takes time to break down some of the walls that have been built. Stick with open minded curiosity and an open heart and you’ll see things start to shift. 

Catch you soon,
Tonya Marie

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